The Elephant in the Room: Eldrick Woods

Recently, a fellow still.grimey blogger mentioned that Tiger Woods "is only human, and that he feels remorse." Hmm, how sad. It turns out humans are prone to sleeping with double digit amounts of women (Yes we're getting close to the teens now people) while married. Save me the "human" crap, Tiger is about as far from human as any professional athlete I know. The only time the guy even cared about us caring about him, was when he was flashing his white teeth in front of the Gilette cameras, or doing a one-on-one interview with Jim Nancy Pants Nantz after birdie-ing the 18th to win The Masters.

Tigermate (get it? it's like Tigergate but because there's all these women involved, it's Tigermate) has put everyone into separate camps about how they feel. Here are the 4 main arguments that people have for or against Tiger, and I refute all of them until the last one that I agree with.

1. "He's only human, give the guy a break. He's shown remorse. This is goddamn America!"

First of all, fuck you if this is what you say the first time Tiger is brought up while standing around the egg-nog and rum bowl at a holiday party. I can't stand these people. Get down off your pious stool and just admit you kind of like reading/hearing about Tiger's downfall. The guy has shown no remorse. None. He's refused all interviews, he hasn't stepped outside of his 20-gazillion sq/ft. mansion, and worst of all, uses his own website to publish all of his "heartfelt" statements. Have you seen the picture that accompanies his statement on his site? It's his fucking signature, blown up. I mean, I realize there's not a lot of options for pictures to use with this type of statement, but your own signature? How about Clinton apologizing on national television, that would be a better picture to go with your sloppy statement declaring yourself on a leave of absence from golf. IT'S THE FUCKING OFF SEASON TIGER! What are you removing yourself from? This is like Tom Brady two weeks after the Superbowl saying, "Well, after a lot of thought and consideration, I've decided that I'm going to leave football for a while and go on a vacation to Hawaii." Tiger claims it's indefinite, you think he won't be back for The Masters come spring? The guy is an arrogant competitor of the worst kind, which makes him so enjoyable to watch. Jordan was the same way. We all turned the TV on when we knew MJ was playing because all the guy wanted to do was win. The same thing is with Tiger. Even if he's down 4 strokes on Sunday you still watch him because you know anything is possible. Prediction: Tiger will play in The Masters with or without the support of his fans. "Indefinite leave," no chance.

2. "This is personal, it should only be between him and his wife."

Personal? This is personal? The dude slept with the kind of women that would donate their left ovary for a chance to be on TV. If you want to get personal, sleep with your wife. The women who have stepped forward thus far, and yes, there will be more, have all been incredibly trashy and lowbrow. So far we have a couple of pornstars, a reality TV wannabe, a few VIP cocktail waitresses, and several other women who look like they probably starred on MTV's "I'm a teenage Mom." You know that part in "Funny People" where Jason Schwartzman says to Seth Rogen, "Don't put be in a corner where I have to fuck my way out," well this has been Tigers M.O. for the past couple years. Somehow el Tigre got put in a corner, except the corner was surrounded by a bunch of sleazy hookers types, and ever since he's been fucking his way out.

In response to other part of this argument about the whole "personal" thing; the guy has never really been personal. With Tiger, he's always been a closed book. The only time he opened up was when he wanted us to buy something, or praise him like the Dalai Lama. When was the last time you saw an interview with him at his home, or read a piece on something about Tiger not related to golf? Tiger is all smiles when it comes to reminding us that be drives a Buick, or that the Tiger Woods Foundation has raised millions for kids in need to play golf, but he's protected his personal life like Coca-Cola's recipe otherwise. Now that this shit happened, I don't care anymore. Maybe this is why he so perfectly crafted his image before, because he knew that behind all those "classy" commercials with Federer and Thierry Henry there was just this insecure horndog who felt the need to conquer as many flooz-bags as possible. I think there's hypocrisy in the argument that this is "personal" and we should respect that, but in the past he's only been "personal" in order to sell something. If you don't want to open up to the media, fine that's your choice. It's not mandatory to do a sit down with Katie Couric, but don't blame anyone but yourself when you look out your window and see a bunch of TV news vans.

3. "He made a mistake. We should forgive him!"

A mistake? Sorry, more like 15. The outpouring of trashy women parading themselves on morning news channels has been ridiculous. First of all, this "mistake" is not over with. There's still a lot more bones in the closet. For instance, there's rumors that the guy has been popping painkillers and Ambien like they're Fruit Loops for the past year. One girl admitted that she and the Tig loved sexin on sleeping pills...Another report says that the crash may have been induced by drugs and he fell asleep at the wheel. We have career sluts, real life hookers, and drugs to deal with. That's no mistake, those are life choices.

Side note: This whole Tigermate goes a lot deeper than anyone knows. There's shit flying around about how Tiger has employed madams to find and hire whores for his VIP posts in clubs and paid monthly retainers to women just to make sure they keep other women on stock for him in cities around the world. I'm not kidding when I say the fallout from this could last a long time as far as the media is concerned.

All of this is just too fucking weird for me to write it all off as a "mistake" that deserves forgiveness. The amount of women and their relation to him is creepy. And not to mention the lack of explanation for that fateful night when he ran into a fire hydrant at 2:30 in the morning on Thanksgiving. Spooky. Let' milk this baby.

4. "Drag him through the coals? Why not!"

This is me. I love it. I love watching the unexpected happen. When the 2007 Patriots were in the Superbowl I was rooting for them not because I loved their team, but because I thought it would be sick to witness history as they went 19-0 and topped the '72 Dolphins as the most perfect team in NFL history. Well, that's how I feel about Tiger. This is so bizarre and unlike the Tiger we know knew, that we can't just chalk this up as a "mistake" and move on. Savor this moment. The guy deserves it, I'm sorry, but he does. If you don't believe in monogamy, don't get married. If you want to fuck trashy chicks and pornstars, don't start a family first. The list goes on, Tiger fucked up and now he's paying for it. Someone asked me recently, "I mean Cam, how would you feel if this were you?" What? Me? First of all, this would never happen to me. Not because I think I could get away with it, but because I happen to know for a fact that as a world-class athlete and hero to millions it's bad for business to get caught cheating on your wife with at least a dozen women. Secondly, if this was me and I did make this mistake, I would accept this whole mess with open arms. How could I get mad at the media for blowing this out of proportion? Tiger has created this proportion. There are literally millions of cheating men living in the U.S. right now, but the reason they aren't dragged through the coals in front of the country? They're not famous. You can't accept fame for your benefit and then run away from it when it poses a threat to you.

If you want to defend Tiger, go ahead, I'm not stopping you. Just know that I enjoy the shit hitting the fan. See you at the egg-nog and rum bowl.