Party Protocol: Discrete Defecation

STILL GRIMEY WARNING:
The following post, albeit incredibly important and informational, may be considered down right disgusting by some readers. With that being said, Still Grimey would like to welcome a good friend of ours as a blog contributor:



Phase I. Impetus

Once again you find yourself at a party, maybe you are talking with an attractive member of the opposite sex, or your own sex if you get down like that, and you suddenly feel a thunderous motion in your nether regions. Your grill melts into a twisted mask of desperation and embarrassment, you can't move your legs or your sphincter will let loose a stench brewed by your latest beverage and last night's ill advised 2 AM trip to Wendy's. That Baconator® with a side of chili, you know you got onions and cheese too, is wreaking havoc inside of your lower abdomen. At times it will let out a bloodcurdling groan that is only comparable to the demonic growl that women emit during childbirth, and the battle cry of a bro who catches someone dicking down his mother. If the music is loud enough it will go unnoticed, but if you are in a cocktail room with smooth jazz playing, an attempt to cough simultaneously is warranted. (WARNING: this can be dangerous if you have poor bowel control and may result in a shart.)

After you deal with your inner orchestra you sidestep your target and head away from the ruckus, leaving that hot juicy nugget to his/her own devices, and unfortunately, possibly completely losing your chance to get busy. Many a time this happens while a little gas escapes due to the first stepping motion. This mishap can be counteracted with a quick glance to the left at the portly male or female partygoer that is known for their butane scented room clearers, and a disgusted grimace followed by a disparaging head-shake.

Phase II. Location and Analysis of the Drop Zone

This depends on the party in question, but I will continue with the most difficult scenario so the readers can familiarize themselves with the most inopportune of situations.

-The party is in a poorly ventilated apartment with the bathroom located very near to the epicenter of the party and within plain sight of the attractive honey in question. There is a line, the fan is broken, and the focus of the party lies on the drunk girl that is just about to be carried in to pass out in the bathtub to be coddled by her bffs.

-In order to analyze the drop zone, one must be fully aware of several things.

1. Toilet paper, at least 4 squares. (maybe up to 8 if you have a huge ass)

2. Air freshener.

3. Soap.

4. A toilet brush.

5. A plunger.

If you venture into a drop zone without these five necessities you have a high probability of being caught and embarrased. You may evermore be referred to as "Poopzilla" or "The Scatman (insert your name here)." Your facebook will remain devoid of invites to events and your party days will be over.

Phase III. Execution

In order to execute the maneuver in as safe a manner as possible, lock the door, turn on the fan or open the window, and proceed to the porcelain receptacle. Think positive thoughts, i.e. few wipes and a rapid delivery, and execute evacuation as rapidly as possible. If you are prone to fireworks (loud farts while pooping) consider turning on the loudest fan in the room or timing your efforts to the bass of the party music in order to avoid detection. You will want to flush immediately after you have completed the delivery, and get to work with the air freshener. I find that 10 seconds over the toilet and about 2 more spread throughout the room works well in any situation.

Next, remember to wipe quickly yet effectively, it is precisely at this point in the process that you will begin to feel suspicion from outside sources. Distractions can be anything from a knock and an "are you O.K.?" to a passed out groan from the blacked-out sorostitute recovering behind the curtain of the bathtub. Don't let these distractions get you down, keep your eye on the prize, use a wet wipe, don't leave any crust, you are in the home stretch.

Phase IV. Escape and Reinsertion

The damage has been done, your pants are now raised and buttoned, fly secured, and back pockets and shoes checked for incriminating debris. You must, I repeat must, wash your dirty ass hands or all will be lost. You could end up giving some nice hostess the Norwalk virus after she graciously lets you dip your paws into the punch bowl to recover the ladle. Motherfucker, poop is not a joke, so wash well. While you're at it give the room the final sniff test. If there is a faint smell of dookie, don't worry, that is easily blamed on the previous patron, but if a foul odor reminiscent of the Ganges in the summer months still haunts the vanilla and pumpkin of the air freshener, you can give it another brief spray.

Finally, put the toilet seat up. This ensures that any girl that walks in will be pissed off enough to forget about any lingering scent and dwell on the chauvinist bastard that was too much of a dick to consider them after using the facilities. For the ladies, it gives the false impression that your cheeks never touched the porcelain. What kind of obsequious skank in this era of equality would leave the seat up? Check for smears or rebellious lingering chunks, and dispose of them or brush them away appropriately. Open the door, and reenter the party with confidence, reengage your target, and consider at least one mission completed.

Ending Statement: prevention is the best way to avoid this situation, consider a pre-game shit or staying away from licorice, mexican, or greasy chinese foods as they tend to expedite the digestive process.

M.O.B.

-Jam